Real life.

9:59 PM

So lately I have been wanting to blog. Really! I look at all these amazing women on other blogs that I follow and I wish that I could be a Mom like them or a wife like them. To me their life seems absolutely perfect and I know all to well...

...my life is not perfect.

That is humbling.

So here I sit wanting to blog about the cloth diapers that I used, the completely natural 17 hour labor that I had, the amazing whole foods I have been making for my family, my clean house, the latest DIY project I have been doing, the latest devotional the Lord has laid on my heart and so many other things. Yet. I can't.

Real life of Katy here:

I wanted to use cloth diapers, even bought them. They are adorable and I love them. However, when little man was two weeks old we took a trip to NY and they got left behind. So, he has been in pampers for his entire 6 week life.

Now, there is a really neat alternative (completely chemical free and plant based disposables)  that I will be using that I just found and LOVE (more on that later) but still-I wanted to do cloth.

I was so set on a natural home birth. I had it all planned out in my mind and was SO excited for it. Then-my blood pressure rose and I ended up in a hospital with a birth that EVERYTHING I did not want to happen-happened.

I felt HORRIBLE for having an epidural and really struggled with GUILT that I was not a good enough Mom for my son just because I could not handle the pain (my labor was induced).

The thing was though that once I got the epidural I was able to sleep for a few hours which I really needed for when I started to push (considering I had not eaten anything and had not really slept well the night before due to contractions) but still-I wanted a completely natural birth.

I want to be completely whole foods/organic when it comes to the foods that I am feeding my family. However, first of all it is quite expensive and second of all I am somewhat lazy at times when it comes to making meals. Quicker is so much easier and I hate that sometimes I sacrifice nutrition or even variety for something that is easier.

The neat thing is that while I am not quite where I would like to be I am a lot farther towards healthier living then I was a year ago but still-I want to be where I NEED to be...now.

I want to have a perfect house. Real life-it is hard for me to motivate myself and so it does not get cleaned the way it needs to. Actually right now it does not really count because we don't even have a house since we are in NY with family but still-I want to create a haven for my husband and son.

The neat thing is that soon we will be heading back to Florida and I will have the opportunity to work on being more motivated and creating a haven for my family in my little white house.

I want to do so many DIY projects! Thing is that I just don't have or don't MAKE the time.

I want to change that. I want to MAKE time for projects instead of just being in awe of them when I see them on pinterest.  


I want to be able to share the latest thing that the Lord has been teaching me or write a devotional that He has laid on my heart. Truth to be told I can't because I have really been struggling with spending time with Him.

That is GOING to change. And it started last night when Jason and I sat and prayed over Elijah and asked the Lord to help us be parents that HE wanted us to be. It started when I asked the Lord's forgiveness for not MAKING HIM A PRIORITY and trying to live life...well, without Him.

One of my biggest vices is the time that I spend on the computer. It really is hard for me to not waste hours of my time on it. That was also something I repented of.

No. I am not perfect. In fact, I am far from it. But I want to be more like Jesus and right now that involves me taking the time to really re-prioritize my time starting with the time I spend on the computer.

I will still be around but-I will be much more careful to not let wanting my life to be like ____________________ but instead focus on the life that God has given me and living it first and foremost for HIS honor and glory and then investing it into my little family that He has blessed me with.

I am not perfect.

I am me and yet I am striving to be more like HIM. Because without Jesus Christ...life is really never truly able to be LIVED.

So many times life is about me. So many times all I think about is what I want in a situation. It needs to end. Jesus needs to be the center of my life once again instead of me trying to fit Him in my life where it is most convenient for me.

What about you? Do you ever struggle with feeling imperfect or with comparing yourself to those around you? Do you struggle with not having Jesus the center of your life? Have you talked to the Lord about it lately?

We had communion today for church and I sat in the back ,with my sweet little man cooing away, and I talked to the Lord about it. About making Him the center of my life once again. About spending more consistent time with Him in the Word and in prayer.

I re-surrendered.

And I continue to re-surrender...and I am pretty sure it will be an everyday thing. But you know what-that is ok. Because honestly that is real life for me right now...

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20 Thoughts

  1. If you want to cloth diaper just stick with it! 6 weeks old or 6 mos old, it is never too late to start. I love this post and your honesty!

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    1. I think it will probably be a few more months (since our cloth diapers are still in FL lol) but yeah...I will definitely stick with it! Thank you so much for the encouragement :)

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  2. Ahhh! You mean you're actually human?!! LOL! Just kidding!! Really though, it is amazing to hear from someone who is transparent. Because though I am not a wife or a mom, you know a lot of the things you wrote about are struggles for me too. Too much time on the computer? Check. (ahem) Not enough time with God? Check. Keeping the house less-than-perfect? Check. A general feeling of imperfectness?!! Yes, CHECK!

    So you know what I just want to say thank-you for encouraging me, Katy, in that you are actually being real and telling how you re-surrendered and everything. That is really an encouragement and an inspiration, and one more reason I love to read your blog! :D

    And now I feel convicted...I'd better get off the computer! LOL! Have a great day!

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    1. LOL Yes I really AM!!! Hehe :) thank you for sharing your own struggles. Like seriously, it is so nice to know that I am not alone in this!!!

      And I know how you feel about the being convicted I need to get off too! Lol :)

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  3. You must give yourself a break, mama. Your entire life has changed in the past year -- you got married and you had a baby, all in a short amount of time. And birth plans are hilarious -- you take hours writing them out and dreaming about them, but then that baby just decides to arrive on his/her own terms and you just have to ride that tide. You are a mama now and that takes time to adjust to. And the baby will change often so you will have to change right along with him. It's one of the toughest jobs you will ever have, but one of the most rewarding. Don't be hard on yourself. It's just absolutely not about you anymore. It's about being a mother and homemaker (unless you decide to work outside the home, which is just fine and a personal choice -- I did it because I have advanced degrees and needed to use them to benefit my family). Do not feel any kind of guilt for any of the choices you make right now. Do what feels right for YOU. Your son is adorable and you just need to stay in touch with yourself -- don't lose yourself. And enjoy this season of your life.

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    1. Thank you so much for this and for your encouragement. Definitely such a good reminder :)

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  4. Katy, you have no idea how much I needed to hear this! SERIOUSLY! I have been reading through sooo many beautiful, put together, daily posting, weekly mini-series, just plain PERFECT blogs lately that instead of inspiring me have just brought me down in self pity and regrets. I relate so much to you in this post but the sad thing is, I have the time. . . but I just don't prioritize it or use it wisely. I am my own worst enemy! And I get so frustrated of getting so frustrated with MYSELf for not doing anything about it! But you made me realize that I haven't really specifically been bringing these issues to prayer. Sure I've prayed "Dear Lord, help me to have a productive day today. . ." but I haven't gone much further beyond that. Change takes place by starting in your heart, through the Holy Spirit, and finally through actions! And if I don't take the next step and just leave that desire for change sitting around in my heart instead of offering it up to the Lord. . . . I ain't gonna see nut'in of it!
    You really just struck me (and comforted me ;) by getting "real" like you did. My life ain't perfect either. In fact, sometimes I'm not even sure that what I blog about IS my true life. You know what I mean? It's all the "good stuff" and none of the not-so-good. Like when you make a batch of cookies and only serve the ones that are "presentable" and not burnt. Sometimes people need to know that we all burn cookies! ALL OF US! Sure I won't to post about the wonderful crafty gifts I made for my friend and not the fact that I'm months behind on school papers and hardly ever have sheets on my bed due to the lack of motivation to actually do laundry! Uhh, but I digress. . . . :) Thank you for posting this, sharing your heart and your troubles, and getting real. And sorry, I really didn't mean for this to turn into an entire blog post =} But you know what? Maybe it needs to become one :) You've started something girl! ;)

    my prayers and God's blessings,

    xo
    Summer

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing! It is just so so neat to know we are not alone in this!!! I love the cookies analogy! It is so true!!!

      You are a blessing :)

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  5. Oh Katy, I think it's so rare that things actually go as planned. But you should NOT feel guilty for getting the epidural! Everyone says the pain is worse when you are induced (though I don't know, since that's the only kind of labor I've experienced), but the REASON you were induced is because you are a GREAT mama, and you knew that even though it wasn't what you wanted it was best for your baby! Being a good mom isn't about doing everything exactly "right" according to whatever pre-conceived notions we have, I think being a good mom is being flexible and humble enough to put aside our own desires sometimes and just do what is going to be good for our children and family.

    And you know what, you can pick up with the cloth diapering anytime . . . not a big deal! :-) We didn't even start until Wyatt was 8 months.

    And I can so relate to letting time with the Lord go - it's so easy to do when things get busy, and something I've been struggling with too lately, so thanks for the reminder.

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  6. You are such an amazing encouragement to me! Seriously-you have no idea! Thank you so much!

    And that is neat about the cloth diapering! I did not know he was that old! I feel so much better about it now! :)

    It is so nice to know that we are not alone in life struggles! God is good!

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  7. Be kind to yourself!
    You are doing a great job - and all of these things (drug free birth, clothes nappies, super perfect diet, show-home type house) - they distract from the REAL job of raising your sweet boy and loving your husband.

    You can do those things better when you are happy and rested and chilled out. They'd rather have a relaxed, smiling Mama than fancy dinners or sparkling windows! So you have your priorities completely straight to not be focusing on those things. Well done!

    Remember this is a short season in which you should do as few 'extras' as possible - focus on loving the men in your life :)

    My daughter is 11 weeks old & before she was born my husband & I agreed that:
    - for the first 2 weeks, I would do LITERALLY nothing except eat, feed our baby & sleep. He would even fetch drinks or things from across the room.
    - for the first 3 months, I would do as little as poss - just enough to keep us functioning (basic meal & laundry every other day).
    And I feel fantastic, really well rested with a super milk supply.

    The Bible supports the idea of resting after childbirth - it's a shame our culture is so unsupportive.
    I also found this blog post really helpful:
    http://gombojavfamily.blogspot.co.uk/2011/03/lying-in.html

    And finally, we didn't use cloth nappies for the first 6 weeks on purpose - thought it was better to start a little later, than do it early, get overwhelmed, give up & never go back to it again. Worked well - and they're in nappies for a lot longer than 6 weeks!

    Goodness, this is long :s but your post touched my heart!
    God bless,
    Tamsin

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    1. Wow thank you so much for sharing I really appreciate it! And how neat that you are able to do that and just ENJOY your sweet little one. So cool! :)

      Thank you for encouraging me! :)

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  8. I know exactly how you feel! Especially about the birth...I wanted to try to make it without an epidural, but I made it to about 6 or 7...I just couldn't relax enough...they gave me one. It ended up that it wasn't that I was not relaxed but that I just was not big enough to deliver on my own. So I ended up with a c-section, but the Lord had a plan...He knew exactly what was wrong! I may not have understood at the time, but he has shown me what a blessing I have no matter how it came about!

    I'm in the same boat as far as my time, too! I am definitely far from perfect...learning more and more everyday! Thank you for sharing!

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  9. Hey Katy!
    Thank you for posting this. I feel like I should write an epistle of my own in reply; your post really hit home for me and hit home hard!
    I definitely struggle with the 'not good enough' mentality... I have high - generally completely irrational and lofty - expectations, pretty much that I would be perfect. And of course, it's never like that. I can't be perfect, and it's a completely prideful thing for me to think so. I have no ability, no creativity, no purpose and no meaning apart from Him. I can attest to the fact that the last month or so has been horrible - I lost my joy because I lost my Love, my Priority. I can't wait for today, for tomorrow, for the next, when I have the opportunity to rest again and let Him just speak and I can just listen.
    It's just one small step at a time... towards Him.
    Thanks blessing :) You're the sweetest.
    Rachael

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  10. Katy, I completely understand. I just had a conversations with my sweet Lord not that long ago (unfortunately I got busy through the morning and afternoon) something similar. I also struggle with the computer consuming my time. In fact, as I sit here the iron is heating my room because I came back here to iron and then decided to turn a sermon on and here I still sit (and no sermon). But one thing I have realized is that now that I have re-deactivated facebook and made a concerted effort to put God and my family first I have not turned my computer on for a day or two at a time.
    I'm sure you are doing a wonderful job and you are still learning your ways through being a new mommy. It is so hard to find that place where you know you have to change & are ready and waiting on, learning from, and resting in the Lord. I will be praying for you because I know what you are dealing with, at least partially ;)
    Through Christ,

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  11. Grace, grace, and more grace. I love grace! We wives and moms need it from the Lord and need to offer it to ourselves. I'm a mom of five that knows exactly what you're talking about. I wasn't able to breastfeed any of my kids longer than a few weeks and that was where I felt most guilty. Thanks for being real and honest and who God made you. It's very encouraging!

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  12. I kow how you feel. There are some "super moms" around who have nothing better to do than rave about how amazing all natural drug free birth was for them, who actually look down on you for not doing the same thing. That can definatly make you feel inferior.
    Don't beat yourself up over it, it was for the best. The Lord has given us these things to make good, clever use of it! Abusing it for every single birth wouldn't be ok, but obviously, it was the smart call in your case, and that's totally fine and doesn't make you any less of a great mom. You are a great mom because you made the choice to go the safest way and not stubbornly insist on "all natural". You made the smart choice to know your limit and save up some energy for when the baby needs your hugs and love right after birth.
    I know it's hard to have your "dream birth" crumble right in front of you. Due to a medical condition, home birth would be too risky for me. Yeah that makes me sad because that's my perfect birth scenario, but sometimes it's just not meant to be.
    Anyway, don't get all worked up over minor things. The biggest gift in your life is your son, and the dirty dishes won't run away (unfortunatly haha!).

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  13. Dont you EVER feel like a bad mom because you need help of some kind some time in your life. Was Mary a bad mom because she requested the help of MaryMagdaline no she was the best mother she could be. And she was the mother of Christ.

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  14. Oh Katy, thanks for your honesty here. We really can get caught up in the way we want to live life, often for the wrong reasons - wanting to appear a certain way before others, to be well thought of and to hold a certain reputation. But it all is really nothing...only living for the Lord's commendation is worth anything.

    Things have been pretty hectic for us lately and I've allowed a lot of things to distract me from what is most important, but your words here have encouraged me.

    Praying you are blessed and that God continues to reveal things to you that lead to change!

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  15. You are sucha blessing to me!! I love your writing, don't ever ever ever stop!! I needed this soooo bad right now. I want to hug you this instant!!!!!!!!!

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